Like Water for Chocolate - Laura Esquivel, Carol Christensen, Thomas Christensen Oh... My... God... what the hell did I just read? My brain... why do I insist on doing this to myself? There's only so much a person can take by reading retarded crap like this. The whole book is filled with talk of food (not a subject I am particularly fond of), has vulgar messages, disgusting talk, and stupid imagery that revolves around sex, food, getting laid, food, reaching climax, and food! DX Rain is not pleased. And that ending? What. The. Fuck. What kind of stupid ending was that? It's weak, weird, and damn funny. I mean... oh, who am I kidding. I was laughing my ass off. Seriously? That's how all this melodramatic crap is going to end? Really? You see... I always used to saying that partaking in such activities was bad for you... I just didn't know how bad...

*Laughs her ass off*

*Inhales/exhales* Okay... I'm good. I'm good. I will not think of how the book en--PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright! Alright! *Wipes away tears* I can do this... I swear I can! *Breathes* Alright... on with the review.

Let's start with how I always start: The author. Laura Esquivel... has some serious issues. I mean, where in the world did she get such a ridiculous idea for a story? And to base it all on food? Am I the only one disgusted by this notion? And some of the food didn't even sound delicious. It sounded... *Gags* ...not too appetizing. The whole eating bugs thing does not sit well with me. *Green* Besides the food, it was a story of a woman who was too weak to separate herself from a man who never truly loved her. What man in their right mind would marry the sister of the "love of his life?" To be closer to his love? That is bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit! He wanted to get laid and he thought he would rather do it with someone than no one. And Tita, main character, is too bloody weak to see that he, Pedro, was just using her. The story is just a fail and promotes the idea that women shall forever be weaker to the men in this world. Ugh! It's not romantic. It's not magical. It's not even entertaining. I was pissed off throughout most of the book and the ending just left me--oh no... I better not continue... otherwise, I'll have another laughing fit. X3 Let's just leave it as Esquivel can't write a story for shit. Now, I can't comment on her writing on account I read the English version. (I wanted to read the Spanish but my library sucks...) So I can't say she's a terrible writer, I have no proof of that. However, I will say this: The translators did a horrible job. Why do I say that? The writing comes off as juvenile and really dull. I was not into the descriptions at all. It just left me really wanting to bang my head against the wall multiple times until I got amnesia from reading this poor excuse of literature! Bah! This whole book was just a big waste of time!

Moving on! Characters! ...do I have to?

Characters! Let's start with out main character... Tita. Oh, what a fucking moron! She's the epitome of uselessness! She has no depth, no mind of her own, and she's so desperate to stay with the first man she sees that she doesn't even realize what a bloody douche he is! She's pathetic! Also, she cries at a drop of a hat! She cries when she makes a mistake in cooking a dish, she cries when she is forced to give up her love, she cries when she meets someone new, she cries when cleaning, she cries when singing, she cries when they are fucking her through the ass, she fries at every fucking thing! It's so damn annoying! Man up, bitch! Bloody hell... I have to calm down... BAH!!! I CAN'T!!! How can she be so stupid! She goes off with a man that left her for her sister, treats her like crap, and only wants to be with her whenever he finds time! What!? What pisses me even more off is the fact that she had a perfectly good man (more on him later) and she still chooses to go with the douche! Is that a spoiler? Screw it! I don't care! DX Pedro, the lucky douche that gets the dumbass, is another dumbass. He claims to love Tita so much that he HAD to marry her sister so that he could be "close" to her... WHAT!? That's just stupid. I already said this but I'll say it again: He treats her like crap! Hdhbjksdjsddjvhnj!!! Let's face it, the guy is a prick and the girl has no self-respect. And if that wasn't enough, there's the bitchy mother and the cow of a sister. Both characters are just terrible and single-minded. They have nothing going for them and because they are just so one-dimensional, I really couldn't care what happened with them. In fact, I found myself not caring about a lot of things that happen in this book. It was just so stupid and boring to me.

You might be asking yourself then, "Why did she give it two stars instead of one?" Two reasons, my friends: John and Gertrudis. John is a doctor and the man that was interested (God only knows why) in Tita. Now HE was a man. He was kind, considerate, gentle, sweet, and smart! Man, was he smart! There was only one chapter that enjoyed completely in this novel and that was because he was in it. His dialogue in this one chapter was so fascinating that I just ate it up. Too bad in only lasted for one chapter. It went back to being stupid afterwards. -_-" Also, I hate how Esquivel ended things for him. As if he has nothing to look forward to. Dude, he's a beautiful man! He will find someone much better than that bloody skank! Ugh! Hate this book... My next reason, Gertrudis, is just so kickass I just HAD to mention her. When she showed up for the second time around, after an event that happens that I shall tell for it shall be spoiler, she was just awesome! Man, I can't even say why she's awesome but trust me, she's awesome. She doesn't give a shit about what people think of her and she's just so outgoing it pleases me. Too bad she doesn't show up for most of the book. It would have been more epic. More entertaining... and less stupid.

Just... don't read this. It's not worth the pain a person must endure in order to get the full story... what story!? It's all a bunch of melodrama that needs to be squashed! Well, there are some good parts to the book, I mentioned them in the paragraph above, but I don't feel you should put yourself through the torment... unless you are really curious... like I was... maybe I should listen to my friend more often about bad books... I'd probably still read them. XD Seriously, unless you have to read this for school or if you are curious then go read it. If not, stay away. It's just stupid. Really stupid. And that ending was really ridiculous. It was so ridiculous, stupid, and retarded that I just--PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Not going to stop any time soon*